An Unlit Lamp
‘Ruby, it’s 7am in the morning. Rush babes’ I mumble to remind myself of the time. Time is precious and there’s not a moment to lose.
Relishing the first meal of the day can never be a choice as long as I’ve to catch Bus Route No. 45 that touches my stop at 7.10am. Not that plying in the next bus would be a crime but this particularly goes directly to my college and most importantly I get a seat every day, saving myself of the exertion of standing amidst the swarming commuters.
I walk at my fastest speed when everything along the way becomes almost blurred and nothing else registers my eyes and ears. I hop on to the bus & place myself on the window seat which by now is unofficially reserved for me every morning.
There are only 5 passengers in the bus and it’s waiting in anticipation for more people to hop on. If only possible, the conductor would have barged into homes and got hold of people by the collar to pack his bus.
Finally after almost 10 mins of halt the bus starts to roll only to again halt 800mts away at the next stop Central. God only knows why there is any need of two bus stops at a distance of 800mts away.
I see him again today at that bus stand. A smart young man may be a year or two older to me. Dressed in neat casuals, he doesn’t still make an impression.
I see him each day at the same time, same place.
I dismiss the idea of any pattern in seeing him every day. Maybe he also commutes at the same time. I take out my latest read, get my ticket and from my passing glance I notice him looking at me.
I don’t look into his eyes but I know he hooks his eyes onto me every time. That’s the famous sixth sense of girls.
Since the day I first stumbled upon him at the nearby shopping mall, I seem to find him almost everywhere that I go except my college.
By my natural instincts I’m a cynic when it comes to men (except my father & brother). I never feel flattered with his attention but I never see him flutter at not getting my attention.
I lift my head from Agatha Christie’s Black Coffee to see where did the bus reach and bang! He’s right in front of me. ‘Since when has he been standing in here and why?’ I wondered in my head.
I’m a bit scared, embarrassed and confused. I hear stories of random stalkers who imperil women and girls who don’t reciprocate to their stupid love. I keep fidgeting with the book and can no more concentrate in my favourite author.
I slowly get up and get off the bus at my scheduled college stop. I want to know if his eyes are still following me but I dare not, what if his eyes meet mine. I walk as fast as I can to enter the college gate and pretend to look around. He wasn’t around.
‘So he is not stalking me. Thank God!’ I murmur to myself and feel safe again.
At 3.30pm I wave goodbye to my friends and head for home. On the way back I usually have to walk a stretch till I reach the bus stop as the roads here become one-way in the evening. I just cross my college building and I see him standing under the banyan tree around 50mts away.
My legs simply freeze.
He smiles at me and walks towards me. ‘Hi. I’m Anand. We take the same bus every day.’ he says bringing forward his hand for handshake I guess.
My mind was racing to find ways to escape him. Right here, right now, I regret of not learning any martial arts to defend myself. Is he going to be a nuisance?
I feel so scared that I get a sudden jerk from within and start walking at my full speed which is almost close to running. He also turns around and starts walking by my side trying to match my speed and says something which I didn’t have any intention of hearing and neither heard.
He continues to follow me till few yards when I run out of wits to evade him. I stop abruptly and ask angrily ‘why the hell are you here following me? If you don’t stop walking with me, I will scream.’
‘I just wanted to return your book that you left in the bus while getting off.’ mentioning this he shows me my Black Coffee.
I’m stumped and flushed at the same time. He hands me my book and says ‘I wasn’t stalking or following you though I really like you. I’m sure I’d love to know you better, but not like this’. Saying this he walks off.
I fling around in a moment and walk behind him. I say sorry, I thank him and we introduce each other.
Six months later:
It’s been 6 months since that incident happened. Since then every morning we still take the same bus at same time. But now we smile at each other. Share jokes and day-to-day happenings.
Anand Jain started working for a MNC firm as a trainee engineer around 11 months back. He’s close to completing his yearlong apprenticeship and getting his confirmation.
Over these months I’ve somewhat built a rapport with him. I also know quite something about him now. I know he is a foodie with special interest in chats & fuchkas. I know he’s a lone child of a single mother and nothing had been really on a platter for him. I met his mum.
And I no more feel scared of him.
Rather I’ve started liking him. I feel nice to talk to him. He is a joy to be around. My heart skips a beat on days when I don’t see him at the bus stop. I hate taking offs from college as otherwise I don’t get to see him. Seeing him has become a fond habit for me.
I don’t know what changed but today I considered gifting something to Anand. I decided to gift him something useful yet memorable. I spent almost an hour at the Landmark store near my college to find the perfect present. After long contemplation and deliberation I picked up a watch for him.
I would definitely not propose him or anything close to that but may be just let him know with gestures, that I’m fond of him.
Today is 14th February, the in vogue festival of young hearts, the Valentine’s Day!
I had a sleepless night in some unknown excitement and restlessness. I wake up early; take some good time to prep myself. I wear my all time favourite white chiffon top over my blue silk skirt.
Every time I’ve worn a combination of white and darker blues, I have enjoyed enormous compliments. Hope it holds true today as well.
I make sure I leave 5min earlier than usual to take my usual bus. I greet him in the morning with a big flashy smile and wish him. He too wishes me and asks ‘Ruby, will you be able to wait till 4.30pm today so that we could go home together?
I understand he also wants to spend time today. ‘Sure. I can. It’s matter of just an hour after college. Be here and we will go home together.’ I agree.
The flutter in my heart and the butterflies in my tummy were beyond my natural imagination. I always believed love is the most over-rated emotion.
In my school I’d the reputation of being ‘Counsellor’ as I counselled all those boys who even dared to come near me. And now I’ve been edgy and impatiently waiting for the day to clock 4.30pm. I started walking down the alley happy & humming. I see so many young couples possibly sharing similar feelings and celebrating an emotion called ‘love’.
In my school I’d the reputation of being ‘Counsellor’ as I counselled all those boys who even dared to come near me. And now I’ve been edgy and impatiently waiting for the day to clock 4.30pm. I started walking down the alley happy & humming. I see so many young couples possibly sharing similar feelings and celebrating an emotion called ‘love’.
I reach the bus stand and stand waiting for him. It’s 4.40pm and there’s still no sign of him. ‘Is he not coming today?’ I wondered. Just then I spot his yellow striped shirt on the other side of the road.
Think of the devil and devil is here.
Anand is carrying a rose bunch. I can somewhat guess now why he wanted to go back together. I jump a bit with exhilaration at the prospect of reciprocating emotions.
I wave. He waves back. He steps to cross the road. And everything goes blank.
A bus hit Anand right here in front of me. The world around me seemed like chaos running to help him but I stand still for moments before rushing to his side.
I drop everything and rush along with few others to his rescue. He’s senseless.
We rush him to the nearest hospital and call his mother to inform. Doctors say too much bleeding has happened. They say his left leg has to be amputated as the bones can’t be resurrected by any means.
Anand remained senseless for days at a stretch of which I’ve lost the count by now. And when he regained consciousness, we realized he had lost his speech. Doctors suspect the traumatic brain injury might have brought in more complications including reduced response to any stimuli.
Anand’s mum is heartbroken. After years of struggle she almost achieved what she had set out for. And now she’s on the verge of similar struggle. Losing his father at such a young age mustn’t have been easy but she survived looking at Anand. Now he may not be seeing or hearing or comprehending at his usual normal level even after meds.
My likely decision to be by his side while he recovers was my way of showing commitment to an unspoken and yet well understood relationship.
After almost a month, Anand is discharged from the hospital but his condition has no signs of improvement. Doctors hand over a long list to-do list for his care and medication.
I visit his home every day. I talk to him, administer one time’s medicine, be with him after my college till his mum returns from work. In the morning he’s mostly in hands of the trained nurse didi.
Three months later:
I’ve been going to Anand’s place all the way till now; making a diligent effort to contribute in his recovery. I’ve been almost babysitting him for last three months.
I’ve not been able to devote enough time and concentrate in my studies since the accident. I’ve tussles at home over this with my parents.
I still stand by Anand. I believe the Savitri Satyavan story and imagine myself to have enough dedication, commitment, love and strength to be able to bring him back to normalcy until today.
‘Why do you want to spoil your life beta? I know you care for Anand but your life is getting impacted dear.’ Savita aunty (Anand’s mum) spoke softly behind me when I was about to leave for home.
I don’t say a word. Tears run down my cheeks inexplicably.
‘You are young and bright. I would not like if you endanger your future because of him and ruin your parent’s lifetime effort. Think over it.’ She said.
I go back and ponder over what Savita aunty said and speculate if I really love him. I wonder if I am ready to risk my future, my life ahead just for Anand.
In reality I’m bored. I’m tired & feel hopeless of his recovery.
I’ve sacrificed my normal life of college, friends, family for Anand’s recovery but there’s not an inch of improvement. And doctors can’t even confirm if he can recognize me or anyone at all. I feel lost.
I decide not to carry a burdensome supposed relation anymore on my shoulders and walk off as far as possible from him. But I don’t want to be absconding. So I decide to tell him my decision. Doesn’t matter if he’s listening or not, but I will be free of any guilt baggage.
It’s 25th May, an extremely humid day.
I gear up myself with a long speech only to be delivered to Anand and walk away from his life.
I reach his home on my way to college. Meet him as usual. Give him his meds. I take the corner chair for myself and sit facing him.
‘Anand, I want you to know that I’ve been very fond of you. I still am. Possibly this emotion was love for you.
I never felt so happy to have a friend who I could share my life with. I know you were also fond of me even if you never told me so.
Trust me I wanted to be with you every day of our lives through thick and thin. I tried to be with you at most testing time of our lives. I sacrificed much but nothing seems enough anymore.
I genuinely believed I could be part of your life but maybe not. Right now I can only see my intent of being with you and not yours. That is excruciatingly painful for me and puts me to thinking. Our little love story seems to be one-sided story all the way.
May be we are not meant to be together.
I’m sorry to leave you alone in this journey.’ I tell him in a monologue.
My eyes have welled up emotions, my throat choking and heartbroken to have told this to him when he isn’t even listening or comprehending. I walk out of his room without turning back even for once. I know I could tumble over my decision if I looked back.
A month later:
I feel very anxious and disturbed. I feel like going and meeting Anand for once. I try to dissuade myself reminding of the situation when I had walked off. But something doesn’t feel right.
May be I am made for him and all that I need to do is to wait for him. ‘I can wait for him even while I complete my college. I can take care of him while I take care of myself.’ I tell myself and leave for his home.
I reach his place a little before 7.30am not expecting his mum to be around. I knock and Savita aunty opens the door.
I greet her. She gets me a glass of water.
‘How are you Ruby? How is your college going?’ She asks.
‘I’m good aunty. How have you been?’ saying this I walk into Anand’s room and find no one. ‘Where is Anand aunty?’
‘He is no more.’ Her eyes are wet.
I stand dumbstruck.
‘The day you came in last time, Anand moved his finger in the morning. He was improving.’ She narrates in tears.
‘But I don’t know what happened in between; he collapsed within few minutes of you leaving. That’s what the nurse said.’
‘Why didn’t you call me aunty?’ my voice choked.
My heart twisted into tears like the cloud bursts and emotions surged like the untamed sea tides. I have to own up the responsibility for this. I wished inexorably for one last time to meet him.
‘What did I do? I killed the person who loved me so dear.’
I took away his only hope of life.
He returned the favour, took away my love for life.
–END–
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